It took Mom a long time to admit she needed help. She learned to be very self-reliant after our father died. As she got older, she projected full confidence in taking care of herself. When taking care of the house and property got to be too much, she was smart about it. She sold the house we grew up in and downsized to a condominium, which was more affordable and had no yard to take care of. She forever complained about not getting what the house was truly worth, but, the condo was still more affordable and so much easier to take care of. It was on one floor, with a small guest room to accommodate visitors, and had a small deck over-looking a river where we used to go swimming with our friends when we were in high school. I remember just a few nights, sneaking home late and knowing that she knew, I wasn't telling her the whole story the next day. "What were you doing out so late last night?" "Just swimming down at the river near Pete's. Best way to beat the heat!" She was worried then, but never let on. The "never letting on" carried over as she got older. She seemed to be doing really well, so "the kids" only dropped in occasionally to see how she was and help out with that jigsaw puzzle, which forever sat on the card table. Looking back, she was clearly not eating as well as she should have been - or socializing with friends as much as she used to - maybe missing her blood pressure medication sometimes - "not sure, it's hard to tell, but she says feels good, so maybe I'm worried for nothing". Life is so busy. It's hard to pay attention to every detail. I lived three states away and had one sister who lived 2 states away. My eldest sister lived about 10 minutes drive away, so unfortunately most of the burden of care fell to my big sis. We encouraged Mom to eat better - she would for a bit. We pushed her to make dates with friends to go out, meet up - she would... a few times. "I'm doing fine, you kids worry too much!" "Let's get these daily pill boxes Mom, so you can be sure you didn't miss anything you were supposed to take." "That's a good idea... when I need it." That stoic (or maybe stubborn) Maine upbringing... it helped her through a lot, but maybe it was a disadvantage when it came to the challenges that aging, and a retirement with nothing pressing to do each day, brought on. She loved sitting on the deck, looking at the river. That was nice. We didn't want to impose our will on a proud, independent woman, who had worked so hard to take care of us.
Then, "things" began to happen which forced our hand. "She definitely didn't take her meds on Sunday." "Where did that big scrape up the side of the car come from? She says it must have been that big truck that sometimes parks next to her." "I don't think she ate at all day yesterday." "How did she end up at the hair dresser with the car she's agreed not to drive anymore, and then not know why she was there?" She didn't have a dramatic fall to land her in the hospital with a broken hip, as has happened to a number of friends. She didn't have to spend a couple of weeks in rehabilitation, then home, only to return to the hospital and start the cycle again, like other aging relatives. No, instead her doctor discovered a condition which affected her liver. A condition which apparently had been building in her system over many years, causing multiple different side affects. Treatment over the course of months, led to better lab results, but she was always feeling tired. "The doctor thinks she has Parkinson's. He pushed her and she fell sideways. I had to catch her!" (That was my "big" sis at all of 5 ft. tall!) "The neurologist doesn't think it's Parkinson's. She's doing OK, but she's confused more and more often." "She definitely didn't take her meds yesterday!" Each issue, each event, each hospitalization; she would recover, but it was always "one step forward, two steps back". She never quite made it back to FULL strength and the standard for "feeling good" kept dropping lower and lower.
What's next? How do we help keep this proud woman safe, healthy, and still proud?
We were lucky. My sisters and I mostly saw things in the same way. We had good communication, and mostly came to the same conclusions in how to approach Mom regarding what might be best for her. (That was one hurdle that wasn't too high, thank God. I know many are not so lucky.) BUT, should we bring in help to cook, help to clean, help with medications? Would it be good for her to see a therapist or social worker? Is she safe in the condo? What about the Senior Center and the day activity program they have? Someone mentioned talking to the Area Agency on Aging. What's a geriatric care manager? What do they do? Should we consider assisted living? What's the difference between assisted living and a nursing home? Why are there so many different versions of assisted living and what they do? Some do meds, some don't? Some have nursing care and some don't? Some have group meals, some have recreation outings? What's a continuing care retirement community? A person can live there from "independent living all the way to nursing home care", in one place? Is it too late to do that? How much does that cost? Wait a minute, what does mom have for financial resources? Does she know? How do we get her to tell us? How does Medicare figure into all this? What's the difference between Medicare and Medicaid? Did she have long term care insurance? How does that work with Medicare and Medicaid? She has an annuity, but hasn't been taking anything from it? Why? Can that help? Why are so many people talking about reverse mortgages? Is that a banking gimmick?
These are NOT stupid questions. So many of these pieces can work well together, but those answers are different for each person's situation, and to coordinate them well, takes planning. This is why I wanted to start a financial planning service focused on later senior life planning. So many of us are wrestling with similar scenarios, yet, with endless variations. Unfortunately, most of us just "deal with it as it comes down". Life becomes chaos as we learn about each step along the way only when we're confronted with it, which leads us to continually try to fix what just got broken. As the saying goes, "preparing is better than repairing". Planning ahead doesn't remove the chaos of life, but planning and a little bit of knowledge can go a long way toward reducing some of the chaos and the accompanying anxiety. Hopefully, this leads to a better quality of life for our parent, grandparent, or ourselves; and our families.
Then, "things" began to happen which forced our hand. "She definitely didn't take her meds on Sunday." "Where did that big scrape up the side of the car come from? She says it must have been that big truck that sometimes parks next to her." "I don't think she ate at all day yesterday." "How did she end up at the hair dresser with the car she's agreed not to drive anymore, and then not know why she was there?" She didn't have a dramatic fall to land her in the hospital with a broken hip, as has happened to a number of friends. She didn't have to spend a couple of weeks in rehabilitation, then home, only to return to the hospital and start the cycle again, like other aging relatives. No, instead her doctor discovered a condition which affected her liver. A condition which apparently had been building in her system over many years, causing multiple different side affects. Treatment over the course of months, led to better lab results, but she was always feeling tired. "The doctor thinks she has Parkinson's. He pushed her and she fell sideways. I had to catch her!" (That was my "big" sis at all of 5 ft. tall!) "The neurologist doesn't think it's Parkinson's. She's doing OK, but she's confused more and more often." "She definitely didn't take her meds yesterday!" Each issue, each event, each hospitalization; she would recover, but it was always "one step forward, two steps back". She never quite made it back to FULL strength and the standard for "feeling good" kept dropping lower and lower.
What's next? How do we help keep this proud woman safe, healthy, and still proud?
We were lucky. My sisters and I mostly saw things in the same way. We had good communication, and mostly came to the same conclusions in how to approach Mom regarding what might be best for her. (That was one hurdle that wasn't too high, thank God. I know many are not so lucky.) BUT, should we bring in help to cook, help to clean, help with medications? Would it be good for her to see a therapist or social worker? Is she safe in the condo? What about the Senior Center and the day activity program they have? Someone mentioned talking to the Area Agency on Aging. What's a geriatric care manager? What do they do? Should we consider assisted living? What's the difference between assisted living and a nursing home? Why are there so many different versions of assisted living and what they do? Some do meds, some don't? Some have nursing care and some don't? Some have group meals, some have recreation outings? What's a continuing care retirement community? A person can live there from "independent living all the way to nursing home care", in one place? Is it too late to do that? How much does that cost? Wait a minute, what does mom have for financial resources? Does she know? How do we get her to tell us? How does Medicare figure into all this? What's the difference between Medicare and Medicaid? Did she have long term care insurance? How does that work with Medicare and Medicaid? She has an annuity, but hasn't been taking anything from it? Why? Can that help? Why are so many people talking about reverse mortgages? Is that a banking gimmick?
These are NOT stupid questions. So many of these pieces can work well together, but those answers are different for each person's situation, and to coordinate them well, takes planning. This is why I wanted to start a financial planning service focused on later senior life planning. So many of us are wrestling with similar scenarios, yet, with endless variations. Unfortunately, most of us just "deal with it as it comes down". Life becomes chaos as we learn about each step along the way only when we're confronted with it, which leads us to continually try to fix what just got broken. As the saying goes, "preparing is better than repairing". Planning ahead doesn't remove the chaos of life, but planning and a little bit of knowledge can go a long way toward reducing some of the chaos and the accompanying anxiety. Hopefully, this leads to a better quality of life for our parent, grandparent, or ourselves; and our families.
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The mission of Next Act Financial Planning is to provide education, planning, and ongoing support to families and individuals who are confronting the aging process, while trying to understand the confusing mix of services available.
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I'm a Certified Financial Planner®, and a Registered Life Planner® through the Kinder Institute of Life Planning, using comprehensive financial planning to zero in on that "Next Act" that we all will face in our senior years. Some call it "Elderhood". It's a time that can be filled with time spent on what is most important in our lives as, with the benefit of hindsight, we're able to more clearly understand what's truly "valuable" to us. Unfortunately, most often our years (or decades) of aging in the "third and fourth stages" of our lives are filled with stress, panic, urgent events and life-draining anxiety. It doesn't have to be that way! I worked for Fidelity Investments for eight years, in offices as diverse as Portland, ME and Greenwich, CT. After leaving Fidelity, I sought out a more "whole person" approach to financial planning, which led me to the Kinder Institute of Life Planning http://kinderinstitute.com. Focusing more time & energy on a client’s goals for life - the most important part of any financial plan - it simply is “financial planning done right”. After my time at Fidelity, I operated an independent Investment Advisory firm focused on personal financial planning. Unable to generate growth quickly enough to justify the independent business, I closed those doors after four years of operation. I currently work for a small university in Waterbury, CT - Post University. I teach a financial planning class and work with our international students to help them navigate the ever-changing US student visa system. I've started Next Act Financial Planning as a part-time service, because there is a need. I believe there is a great need for education, direction, and support as we each confront the realities brought on by our aging parents, or face the complications of increasing age ourselves. Where to live or how to age in place, and understanding how to draw the right supports around us. |
